“This Storm is You”

Personal reflections on getting lost and finding yourself in life

Communal sunset celebration at my favorite beach. Photo: Per Håkansson.

I wrote this story this evening for myself for clarity and purpose but thought I could share it with anyone that have or are going through similar struggles:

I live from the outside a very boring and unglamorous life: I get up early, swim 100+ laps or surf, eat breakfast, read and write, have lunch followed by a nap, hangout at the beach with a book, and meet up with friends.

Every single day. Even weekends.

I don’t drink or do other drugs. I don’t shop or consume, not even window shopping. I don’t dress up, just wear the same casual beach clothes. And I rarely travel anymore, part from my regular Southern California road trips.

And I love this lifestyle.

But this is only on the surface, beneath there is a whole new amazing world of daily wonder and magic. But before we go into that I’d like to share how I used to live which was on the surface much more glamorous.

I traveled the world, often in business or first class, gave talks for executives at Fortune 500 companies, drank really expensive wines and ate what’s referred to as fine dining, and drove really fast sports car.

Then I realized something: my life lacked purpose and meaning. The dream I had realized wasn’t mind to live, and once I realized this I lost my place in the world and spiraled downwards for a long time.

It took a lot of solitude, introspection, and practice to find my way back, to rediscover myself and my true authentic dreams. And they were, as shared above, simple and kind of boring but they mattered deeply – to me.

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.”

― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

So a few years ago I created three intentions to live by every day:

1. Improve personal wellbeing and fitness

2. Build deeper relationships with myself and the world

3. Create positive impact through way of living and being

I then broke them down into a few core daily activities: swimming (surfing and weights), reading, writing, and socializing. Everything else I put on stand-by (like shopping, traveling, career, social media et cetera).

I would lie if I said that I rediscovered myself on day one, far from it. It took months of daily hard work to get there but once I did, I knew that the light I saw was the end of the tunnel, not an oncoming train.

I think the best lives are from the outside boring and repetitive but from the inside fulfilling and meaningful. It’s the daily practice and the compounding improvements that create purpose and meaning.

Getting lost in life is a very hard and humbling but also valuable experience. One day you have everything and the next it’s all gone. What was once terra firma is now a sea of acqua pazza (raging water).

So on the onset these few daily activities might seem mundane but they offer a very rich and exciting world.

• The physical activities enrich body and mind, offering the opportunity to excel and grow, even compete again in middle age.

• The reading offers unlimited learning opportunities, from digging deeper into lost passions to developing a new professional career or hobby.

• The writing offers clarity and focus, a bridge to your own intellect and a path to connecting with the world and other people.

• Actively socializing connects you with other human beings to hear and be heard; to see and be seen; to love, and be loved.

I’m also spicing up these activities further by creating personal challenges: swimming in 100 pools in Southern California, reading 100 books per year, meeting new people, learning a few new skills et cetera.

I share this because when I was lost I really struggled. I was stuck in between the glamorous world we are being sold to aspire to and my inner world of simple needs. I tried to do everything but failed and almost sold out my soul.

Today I start out every day with a cup of coffee with gratefulness. I reflect on how lucky I am that I get to do what I love and live on my own terms. I appreciate what I have, which is enough, and don’t seek more.

My daily activities, although they might differ between people, represent what really matters in life on an universal level: physical and mental health, the ability to learn and grow, and be part of a loving community of people.

Everything else I can happily live without.

Per